(I wrote an article for my campus’ satire paper and was going to spam a link to it but because our URL was bought by a spam site builder in China, I’m postin’ it here. This article is the last copy I have before it was finalized by the editors, but it's....close enough to the end result. ENJOY, comment, like, share, reblog, dig, smoke signal, etc.)
According to eyewitness reports, freshman Gregory Chen was stunned to discover that people he had once considered budding acquaintances had suddenly turned into douchebags during Rush Week.
“Frankly, I’m just speechless,” Chen stated, “This guy, Daniel [Miyata], from my math class, he was so nice to me on my first day, but then I saw him standing on Library Walk behind a booth with greek letters on it, smirking and fistbumping, and my heart just broke.”
Miyata was not the only potential friend that Chen lost to Rush Week. Statisticians have confirmed that almost 50% of the people Chen had begun to befriend during his first few weeks were in fact already “huge douches,” while another 32% were reportedly considering or already in the process of rushing frats.
Nationally renowned Douche Specialist Dr. Rusty Bayers says that this phenomenon is not uncommon at all. Bayers reported that during the first few weeks of college, freshmen around the country meet a fraternity member every 15 minutes on average. In addition, around 84% of freshmen start to build relationships with fraternity members before discovering their true douchey nature during Rush Week.
“Many freshmen come out of Rush Week just absolute emotional wrecks,” says Bayers, “Their excitement to make new friends is often ripped out of their beings the moment they see a former acquaintance in a fraternity tank top.”
Bayers says that learning to recognize the common subtleties of douchebags are key to avoiding such heartbreak. According to him, cheap plastic sunglasses, pastel-colored tank tops, cargo shorts, Ryan Gosling-esque hair swoops and intricate knowledge of Jack Johnson’s discography are all common signs of douchebaggery.
Library Walk is not the only place that Chen has discovered the true identities of people he once considered to be potential friends.
“A lot of my suitemates who used to just stay in their rooms and play Starcraft are rushing and now all they do is talk about hosting huge ‘ragers’ in the suite with their ‘bros’” said Chen, “I think I’m going to have to move to another suite if this continues.”
But for Chen, it just doesn’t seem like just going anywhere would be a permanent solution. Earlier this week, Chen had attempted to spend more time away from his suitemates by attending a meeting for the RC Club, but left after seeing that most members greeted each other with head nods, fist bumps and loud shouting. Chen also recalls going to Geisel Library to study as him suite had become a 24-hour hub for a beer pong tournament, but was equally distracted by a group of loud bros cavorting about ‘getting out on a raft,’ getting their ‘bronze’ on and drinking a couple of ‘brewskies.’
“I just don’t know where to turn or who to trust anymore,” Chen said, holding back tears. “They could be anyone, anywhere, anytime.”
